‘I’m still processing how terrible it was’: Zero-star screen disasters | television

“painful”

Playmobil: The Movie (2019)

As someone who expected The Lego Movie to be a soulless money grab, I was pleased to find that it wasn’t. With that in mind, I dragged myself out of bed early on Saturday morning to watch Playmobil: The Movie – why couldn’t it be done again with a similar IP? It was painful. The best part of the movie was at the beginning, when the usually adorable Anya Taylor-Joy is singing a song to her little brother about the joys of imagination and exploration, and the police arrive to tell them their parents are dead. It was the biggest laugh of all, as the rest of the movie tried to outdo itself in the gaudiness stakes. Ollie, 47, Birmingham

“My eyes still hurt”

Lancelot Link: Secret Chimpanzee (1970-1971)

With all due disrespect to All’s Fair, it can’t come close to the single worst piece of garbage ever inflicted on television audiences, back in the 1970s. No doubt it was meant to be campy and cute; What was exploitative and despicable. I’m talking, of course, about Lancelot Link: The Secret Chimp. The chimpanzees were dressed in clothes and given things to chew, while the humans would spout cheesy dialogue with fluttering lip movements. My eyes (and brain) still hurt. Katherine, Massachusetts

‘Unintentionally hilarious’

Water World (1995)

In 1995, a friend and I decided to watch Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner. Neither of us was particularly fond of Costner, but we both adored Dennis Hopper. Plus, my friend had a two-for-one voucher, and it was a scorching 35 degrees outside, and the cinema was actually the coolest place in town. What we didn’t expect was to stumble upon one of the funniest cinematic experiences of our lives. Waterworld turned out to be unintentionally funny. I’m not sure what the sparse audience made of our chatter, but it was impossible to take Costner seriously. Hopper’s brilliant performance made it seem like he was in on the joke. It cracks me up to this day. It was a zero-sum cultural moment, but a five-star bonding experience. Key, Ireland

“I’m still realizing how terrible it was.”

Afterlife (2019-2022)

I recently sat down for After Life. I’m still processing how terrible it was. I loved The Office and Extras, and I usually find something I like in Ricky Gervais’ work. Even Derek. But if you don’t think the c-word is entertaining on its own, you might want to watch something other than After Life, because that’s about 90% of the jokes here.

In this show, Ricky Gervais plays himself in a strange way. He’s rude and obnoxious and hurts and upsets people, but his wife is dead, so it’s okay. Additionally, the other characters are constantly telling him how great he is. One minute, our heads are being smashed with sad music while Ricky watches yet another bizarre video of his dead wife telling him he’s great. The next day, we’re invited to laugh at an obsessive village resident doing something disgusting, or someone using the c-word, or one of Gervais’s pets that Gervais has actually visited. (Fat people eat loudly! Worse, right?)

Not-Ricky commits several serious crimes that are barely mentioned again, including threatening a child with a hammer and throwing a rock through the window of a moving car. He was about to kill himself twice, but was saved by a sad look from a dog. Many people say that the show brings them happiness and comfort – and I disagree with that. Will, London

“After 15 minutes, we were pretty much the only people left.”

Moonshine – Hampstead Theater (1999)

During my career as a journalist I have reviewed theatre, and in 1999 I found myself at the Hampstead Playhouse for a new work called Moonshine by Snow Wilson. This was the second show, and I was surprised that the theater was only about a third full. It was clear that either the early few reviews had already had an impact, or word of mouth had spread quickly. Moonshine was an absolute disaster on every level – an incomprehensible plot, clunky dialogue, a set design that could have been the product of a New Week after-the-bar roundtable, and a cast of actors who clearly just wanted to get through the four-week tour with a modicum of dignity.

At intermission, my companion and I sat at the bar to the sound of the crowd coming out of the creaking swinging doors. After 15 minutes, we were pretty much the only people left, except for the theater’s artistic director who was desperately trying to convince the other remaining player that the audience just needed to “give the work a chance.”

When I was appalled at the thought of abdicating my responsibility as a critic, we dropped the Bix and ran out into the rain. To this day, I still can’t understand how the play managed to get past the first reading. Michael Parker, 72, London

“It feels like it never ends”

The Room (2003)

I know, I know it’s a cult classic now because of how terrible it is, so much so that there’s another movie in its homage – but I still find “The Room” completely unwatchable. It seems like it never ends. He – she. only. He goes. on me. Hello dog. Eoin, 34, Galway, Ireland

“I felt sorry for the performers and the crew.”

Officer and gentleman – Lyrical Sydney Theater (2012)
I saw this musical production in 2012 and the shock is still fresh. It was a divine command; Full of Australian performers performing their version of “I’m an angry, cow-headed American naval officer, sir!” When one of the characters died, I thought: “Thank God. There’s nothing to worry about anymore.” The theatrical performance included unnecessary female nudity, which is inappropriate and out of place. More than half the audience left at intermission and never returned. I stayed because I felt sorry for the performers and crew. Anonymous, Sydney, Australia

“The first movie I ever thought about getting out of.”

28 years later (2025)

Perhaps the worst cinematic cultural moment I’ve ever experienced was “28 Years Later.” I was excited to see a well-made zombie movie after a years drought. I bought tickets to the premiere and invited a friend who is a horror fan. We were both very confident that this would be it the Movie of the year.

Boy, were we wrong. I have never looked at anyone so many times in utter disbelief as I did while watching this movie. Not to give any spoilers, but the ending with the tracksuits and ninja-style zombie killing completely ruins the movie. Really, this is the first movie I ever thought about getting out of, and I would have done so if I hadn’t been with someone else. Katarina, 23 years old, Aachen, Germany

“They lost me”

Unbreakable (2000)

This may not be very popular, but it is M Night Shyalaman’s Unbreakable. I saw it in the cinema, and I was hopeful after seeing The Sixth Sense, but when Samuel L. – And it’s over, they lost me. None of the sequels or spin-offs are watchable either. David Cochrane, 56, Nottingham

“immediately irrelevant”

Babes in the Woods (1998-1999)

As a TV junkie in the late 1990s without a satellite subscription, I enjoyed everything terrestrial TV had to offer. “Babes in the Wood” was the ultimate test of my love for the medium. What seemed to me at the time like three poorly written heroines bouncing off the false magic of “that guy from the flash commercials” became worse on a brief rewatch. The episodes have no substance and the plots are weak.

The fact that this nonsense aired in the same year that HBO released Sex and the City shows how immediately irrelevant this show was, despite a second series being commissioned. I almost ruined the TV and floor cleaners for my teenage self. Patrick McKernan, 42, Belfast

“Hard work”

Ishtar (1987)
Ishtar is a cure-all for fans of Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty. Less dramatic than a tricycle accident; Less intelligent than startled slugs; Less interesting than the dial tone. Spend 107 unrecoverable minutes of your life with two songwriters searching the Moroccan desert for a mythical city, only to find themselves trapped in something like Waiting for Goffman meets Sartre’s No Exit, with less merit. Morgan, Virginia, USA