Emma Hayes talks role models, life as President of the United States, and balancing football and family

Kelly: How did you find your way into this amazing career then?

whatever: I think a few things. My physical education teacher always insisted that I attend driving courses. Even when I was 16, I wanted to go into diplomacy or something like that but I think maybe during the university years I was doing a coaching role – even though I didn’t choose it – and then when I left it and came back to work in Camden developing Camden sport, I really started coaching in the community and a few of us developed or built the Regent’s Park League.

Then I moved to America. More than anything, I just wanted to move to America. I didn’t necessarily want to be a coach, but I knew it would give me a visa to come into the country and live in New York City.

Kelly: Who do you think has had the biggest influence on your career?

whatever: It must be my father. My father saw something for me that I couldn’t see. He was the biggest feminist I’d ever met – as a working-class man. He had three daughters, so one of us had to be very interested in football. But he, because he pushed me and sometimes I hated it. I was telling Harry the other day when he was playing football… I stood on the touchline in silence. He said: Mom, why don’t you tell me something? I said: Because I hated my father doing that to me, so I don’t want to do it to you. He was so frank that he wanted me to say a little more, so I said, “Okay.”

Kelly: So let me get this straight… one of the best coaches in the world, goes to her son’s soccer field and you stay silent…

whatever: I stand alone and remain silent.

Kelly: Do you say much to him after that?

whatever: Just about joy. They played a game that day, losing 10-2. Inside, I was dying. I got in the car and said: What did you enjoy today? “Oh, I like playing wide,” he said. I want him to keep this love for as long as possible.

Kelly: You mentioned that both your parents were a big influence…your mother too…

whatever: My mother encouraged me to do what I wanted. She just supported us to go and do it. If I said to her: Mom, I want to go and work at the United Nations. … “Oh, go do it, baby, if you want to.” It was as if I was given permission to explore and experiment. Being a mom now, I truly appreciate her in a million ways. It was a big part of my life then, but I think it’s an even bigger part of my life now that my father died. At this point in life, I really feel like I need my mom in a different way. That’s why, for me, they are my biggest heroes. It helps me a lot, especially with menopause. Like if I had anxiety or things I knew I had, she would say, “Just take out the paper bag, take a breath and calm your mind.”

Kelly: It sounds different when your mother says it, doesn’t it?

whatever: I never suffered from anxiety until I hit menopause. What I learned is that when you lose estrogen in your body, especially when you have sudden menopause, as I did – I didn’t have gradual menopause, I had sudden menopause. I had emergency surgery and when I lost both my ovaries… Estrogen is not just a lubricant in your body for your joints, but also for your brain – what starts to happen is your brain starts saying, “Hey, estrogen, where are you?” And can’t find it. Then you have a decrease in dopamine and serotonin. So your body suffers and suffers from not being able to do this normally, so your anxiety levels rise. This got worse for me when I gave birth to Harry, but it intensified when I went through sudden menopause.

Kelly: You are a football coach. Why is it so important for you to talk about things like this?

whatever: I think as a woman, we have to live our football lives through an entirely male lens and we are different. We think differently, have different needs, and experience the game differently.

What I love most about being in America is that they value women’s sports. I feel like I had to talk about it. I had a conference the other day and they were asking me about my first experiences with biases and having been shaped from a young age. Whether it’s attending training sessions where you’re the only female, or having referees walk right up to your male assistant thinking they’re the head coach. If you talked about certain things that people didn’t necessarily view as aggressive behavior, they didn’t realize what the woman in that situation might have felt. My dad always said, “No, make it better for others even if you have to get punched in the face.” I think that was difficult at times. Sometimes I say: Why do I put myself in this situation? Other days I say, “If I can make the road better for someone else, do it.”