Giving a non-star review sets a terrible precedent. But here are the 1-star shocks that I would downgrade film

Kim Kardashian’s historically appalling TV show “All’s Fair” set off a firestorm of critical horror that may have, as well as everything else, undermined the currency of the star review economy. My colleague Lucy Mangan gave the Kardashian show an unprecedented zero stars, and zero stars are actually pretty rare on this paper.

However, these things may become more common in the post-Kardashian world. I actually had the honor of giving the first non-star review in The Guardian’s history – for Cuba Gooding’s terrible comedy The Boat Trip in 2002. But it’s weird. There have been worse films than those that were not zeroed. Not much. But some.

Maybe it was the pure shock of the boat trip that made me give no stars and remember everything I did, because until rereading that review I thought I was sticking to the criteria of the five star system, five for the best and one for the worst. (And I’m actually the only reviewer in captivity who likes the star system because it keeps reviewers from arrogantly sitting on the fence.)

I always assumed that giving zero stars was the negative equivalent of Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnell cranking his amp to 11. What’s the point? One is the worst. Isn’t it? If you give zero stars, why not give six stars at the other end? Or seven stars as if you were staying in a luxury hotel in Dubai?

Once zero becomes the norm, someone will give negative one or negative two. Like Weimar citizens during hyperinflation, critics will funnel masses of worthless minus-38-star reviews into the publishing market, only to find someone who gave minus-39. If zero stars is the new standard for critical spleen, perhaps now is the time for a moment of reset; Critics would have to issue a new star rating system, like the new French franc in 1960.

anyway. If zero stars is the new normal for critical outrage, so be it. These are the people who deserve the big one-star movies that I’m now ceremoniously downgrading to blank spots. (You have to imagine the film’s director and producer on a bleak military parade ground, their heads bowed, as if I were tearing apart their only star to the beat of a drum.)

In describing the terrible 2001 comedy “Freddy Got Fingered,” you said that it “has been hailed as the worst film of the 21st century; I think it’s the worst cultural artifact of the 21st century. Watching it was among the worst experiences of my life, having had a quarter of a millimeter shaved off my upper molar without anesthesia by an eccentric dentist when I was 15.”

Louis Leterrier’s extremely bad behavior in The Incredible Hulk led to him having a virtual nervous breakdown.

But the gold medal for zero stars, for pure horror filmmaking, goes to Julia Roberts’ endless self-help spiritual journey in 2010’s Eat Pray Love. Here’s the review I wrote at the time, and I can relate that zero is generous.