I endured the movie Melania so there is no need for it – my only regret is not buying popcorn so that one of my senses can be entertained | Melania

IIt’s a Friday afternoon at Hoyts on Sydney’s northern beaches, and the atmosphere is terrible. I’m here to watch Amazon’s $75 million “documentary” about Melania Trump, which has already been denounced as a flop before its release.

When I arrived, I panicked for a moment because I got the time wrong. There are no posters of Melania anywhere, and the film is being shown in the lower back corner of the large movie theater, like the remains of an awkward table at a wedding.

In the end, only eight people arrived. The cinema seats about 150 people. There is a couple, an old lady, a few middle-aged men and me. We all sit in the back for a reason.

I wonder if the terrible show is because it’s a weird time of day to watch a movie. But of the five evening screenings of Melania that will take place on its opening day in cinemas across Sydney, none have sold more than 16 tickets. Only one six were sold.

Previous showings scheduled for 11am in Australia were canceled at the last minute due to miscommunication regarding the global ban imposed by Amazon MGM Studios, preventing any showings before 4pm AEST from going ahead.

That means I’m one of fewer than 100 people in Sydney, a city of 5.5 million, who will watch Melania’s debut. Who are my colleagues? Are Maga fans willing to pay $26.75, or just journalists forced to put up with the 1 hour and 48 minute running time so the general public doesn’t have to?

The film, which documents the 20 days leading up to Donald Trump’s return to power in January 2025, was shown at the White House on Saturday, and had its official premiere at Washington’s Kennedy Center – which the president renamed the Trump-Kennedy Center in a legally disputed move – on Thursday, before being shown in 27 countries.

Its release could have been better timed, coming on the heels of a second civilian killing by ICE in less than a month, but is there good timing with the Trump administration?

Spoiler of sorts: I’m not the biggest fan of Melania Trump. She laughed at her bizarre, oversized hats and periodically indulged in conspiracy theories that she had been replaced by someone who looked like her.

As for celebrities, they’re at the bottom of my list of people I’d like to see a documentary about.

Of course, liking a famous person is not a prerequisite for watching a documentary about them. I enjoyed Tiger King even though I didn’t enjoy the man known as Tiger King.

However, Melania was directed by disgraced film director Brett Ratner, his first film in 12 years after she was accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women in 2017 (which he denied).

It would be difficult to see this as anything other than a propaganda exercise: President Potemkin’s warship.

When the movie starts, I immediately regret not buying popcorn so at least one of my senses can be entertained. In what seems very slow, it is only the first ten minutes that you use the various modes of transport. Getting into a black car. Boarding the plane. Wishing employees a “Happy New Year” in a monotone.

Then there’s her first voiceover.

“Everyone wants to know, ‘Here’s to 20 days of my life, my family, my business, my philanthropy, and I’m first lady of the United States again,'” she added.

The next part of the film is Melania’s fashion experiment. Then you look at the menu for the inaugural dinner. Then she was with an interior designer, discussing White House side tables and cabinets.

I think this could be the best movie about a traditional wife, except that Melania doesn’t actually do anything domestic – the others do it for her while she guides them.

Some of the strangest moments are her interactions with the president. In one scene, she is on the phone with Trump as he excitedly discusses the number of Electoral College votes he has won. “That’s a good idea,” she says mechanically, then “Bye, congratulations.”

In another scene, they talked briefly about their son Barron. She poetically says: “I love him, he has an incredible mind.”

At this point I went to the toilet twice, held my face and whispered “oh my god” when I checked the time and it had barely passed.

The last half of the opening itself. “That’s the hat,” someone in the cinema commented when her bizarre outfit was revealed.

The most animation you get is when the YMCA comes in for the final ball. There is a look of pure delight on her face. Otherwise, they seem either robotic or angry.

When I walked out of the cinema, I had a strange feeling that not only had I not learned anything, but I had lost brain cells.

“What is your opinion?” I ask the old lady. “I loved it, wow!” She cries.

I identified the only two people who did not watch the film on their own. The couple told me they admired Trump and Melania, but found the experience more like a “PR vehicle.”

“It’s not as insightful as I thought,” says one.

The other says: “I’ve loved Melania for 15 years… and I feel like this was done to make Trump look better.”

“As much as it was for her, it was for him.”

Isn’t it all?