My Cultural Awakening: Jonathan Groff Inspired Me to Overcome Stuttering | culture

MYour first meeting with Broadway actor Jonathan Groff was harmless. I was stuck in the wilds of Donegal for two weeks as part of teacher training, listening to Broadway musicals while the rest of the lads watched Gaelic matches and got drunk. I found the latest production of Merrily We Roll Along With Jonathan Groff and Daniel Radcliffe, like most Internet users, I became obsessed.

After that, I went down the Grove rabbit hole to track down interviews and recordings. I was drawn to how bubbly he was, how smiling he was. Groff had a cheerful energy that was contagious. His voice was like melting chocolate. I loved – and envied – his calmness and openness to the world.

I can’t say the same about myself. Since I was young, I have suffered from stuttering. It has ruled my life for a long time. I couldn’t make phone calls or ask about things in stores. I couldn’t defend myself or even pronounce my name correctly. Young children would laugh at me, and well-meaning adults would pat me on the shoulder and finish my sentences. Throughout my life, I’ve never felt like people knew me. I had a sense of humor, but people never saw that. I had opinions but I could never express them, even though the words were boiling in my head.

I would often come home after a day of teaching feeling relieved that I finally felt in control of myself, and not as I used to jokingly call myself a “pig having a stroke.” Teaching with a stutter was humiliating. My mouth hurt at the end of each day and I felt defeated because the kids could never understand me.

After failing teacher training, my therapist suggested I enroll in something called the McGuire Program to learn a new way of speaking. Apparently, it changed lives. I was skeptical: Hadn’t we discussed that my stutter was emotional, a byproduct of my anxiety stemming from childhood trauma? What would the breathing technique do? However, I registered for the next course in Reading.

The night before my flight was hellish. I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible stomach and back pain, and I would run to the bathroom to vomit every half hour. My body was visibly resisting. Fear got the better of me and I was thinking of calling the manager the next day to tell him I couldn’t do it. Fortunately, at that moment, I opened up YouTube and was immediately drawn to an unwatched interview with Jonathan Groff.

He was asked why he wanted to come out of the closet, and why he didn’t do it sooner. Groff explained that he was worried about the impact on his career, but falling in love and To be loved It gave him the strength to get out. There, at three in the morning, I felt something. There was a warm feeling inside. Maybe, just maybe, I could have that power too…

McGuire’s program was tough. From 8am to 10pm for four days, we spent hours practicing breathing exercises and saying our name. It was exhausting – but it worked. On the last day of the program, we were assigned to talk to 100 strangers and reveal our stutter. As someone who suffers from anxiety, this was nerve-racking. But what surprised me was that the strangers were open. The strangers were nice. Strangers would understand. For the first time in my life, I can be myself. I was telling jokes, introducing myself, being assertive, being sarcastic, all things I never thought I could be. Like Groff, being accepted and loved made me feel free.

That evening, I looked at the moon and stars and felt like I was starting my life over. I felt a little uncomfortable with joy, and thought about the possibilities now that I could control my speech. I thought when I first heard Groove in fun. When looking up at the moon, his character Franklin Shepard sings, “It’s our time, breathe it in. Worlds to change and worlds to win.”

In fact, I feel like this is my time now. Although I still have work to do to address my stuttering, I have become lighter in myself and doing things I never thought I could do. Taking drama classes, talking on the phone, asking people for directions. I’m no longer ashamed but I’m ready to go out into the world and be myself.