The Celebrity Traitors final review – what an absolute blur! | Traitors

DDoes he play blinder? Or did the Believers really play it — I mean sensationally, exceptionally, and astonishingly poorly? We’ll argue about this on social media a lot, but either way, the winner of the first – but certainly not the last – series of The Celebrity Traitors is the dastardly Alan Carr. When we were first cast in this collection of gowns, handcuffs and terse instructions that we have come to know as presenter Claudia Winkleman, we thought he wouldn’t last an hour. And he didn’t do that. “I feel sick. I have a sweating problem and I can’t keep a secret.” He also cannot whisper or remember whether he won the shield. However, he has been surrounded by some of the most intelligent players in the game since records began (2022 here, 2021 in his native Netherlands), and he has delivered, having grown into that role with terrifying ease. He finished his words cheerfully, bursting into almost crocodile tears at how difficult it was to bear the deadly burden. The two remaining believers, Nick Muhammad and David Olusoga, were quick to comfort him (“It was tearing me apart!”). At home, Paloma Faith raises her face to the sky and screams.

At the start of the final, there were five competitors alive out of the 19 competitors. After a final group task, which involved a steam train, £20,000 worth of locked boxes, keys and clues scattered throughout the carriages, and two chain-wrapped coffins (“I took a little initiative there,” Joe Marler says of the unwrapping process, “because I was happy to lose a finger”), they gathered at their final round table. Kat and Alan cast their votes for David, despite the historian’s impressive record of interpreting every possible wrong conclusion. I still stand in my belief that David would have been the world’s greatest traitor, but he was disastrous as a believer. However, he managed to vote out Kat at the table, and she was properly banished in the end.

Now we are four. I can’t bear to write about what happened next. Nick…was having a moment. A moment of doubt about Joe. One of the greatest love stories of our time or any other, between the biggest man and the smallest man on television, the rugby player and the puzzle maker, staggered under the blow as Nick handed over his final plate to reveal the name of his best friend. Joe didn’t falter—he wasn’t built to do that—but if he could have, he would have done it. “But I love you,” Nick said desperately.

Joe went, Nick and David thought they were safe, and after some business throwing the bags into the fire, the three agreed to end the game. As the only surviving traitor, Alan was declared the winner and received the £87,500 prize pool for the children’s cancer charity Neuroblastoma UK. But the most important thing is that when Claudia leads the five to their reunion on the castle steps, Joe immediately forgives Nick.

I will miss them all, along with over 13 million other viewers. (Except for Lucy Beaumont, who never had a chance to do much, and Claire Paulding, who never apologized for her failure to challenge the Trojans.) I will miss Ruth Codd’s bitter anger, Mark Bonar’s Shakespearean sadness, and Kate Garraway’s absolute inability to take matters other than personal. I will miss Tom Daley’s skepticism of long words, Tameka Empson and Jo Wilkinson’s wit, Paloma’s sheer presence, Charlotte Church as the epitome of all that remains good in this fallen world, Jonathan Ross as the last TV showman, the suave Nico Omelana, and Stephen Fry’s relentless kindness, along with all the finalists themselves. Above all, I will miss the grace and elegance of Celia Imrie, gorgeous royalty even when she’s screaming at the well or farting in the cottage. And as the shape under Winkelmann’s hair has made clear on many occasions, I was pretty bad at the game. But you were great, great entertainment.

Celebrity Traitors is on iPlayer now.