The Guardian has only published 15 zero-star reviews. Here they all are television

toucy Mangan’s Guardian review of Kim Kardashian’s new Disney+ legal drama All’s Fair was a rarity. Not necessarily because she didn’t care for him – the disdain was universal – but because she didn’t give him any stars.

Not two, the score you give for something you want to write off as too mediocre to even sweat. Not one, which is what you give something if you want to make the people who made it feel terrible. Zero stars. All’s Fair, according to this newspaper, is a product completely devoid of distinctive value. In the entire 204-year history of this publication, only 15 zero-star reviews have been written, and All’s Fair was so bad that it got one of them. These are the other fourteen, presented here as the Guardian’s own foolish Mount Rushmore.

Boat Trip, film review, 2002

Cuba Gooding Jr.’s infamous comedy, and the first zero-star recipient in the history of this newspaper.

What we said Peter Bradshaw wrote: “Even the worst recent teen movies had puppy energy and a desire to please. But this? With its dated, ignorant and unintentionally offensive gags about Swedish bimbos, like something from the producers, only without the laughs, it’s just living death.”

Was that justified? Five years ago, Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar for his role in Jerry Maguire. Boat Trip was nominated for two Razzie Awards and is widely believed to have negatively affected his career.

The seal had well and truly been broken, and it only took six months for another review to reach the same immersive depths – this time of a live concert talent show on the BBC.

What we said Alexis Petridis wrote: “This concert couldn’t be more effective at separating parents’ money from theirs if Fame Academy students jumped off the stage and started snatching wallets at knifepoint.”

Was that justified? Fame Academy stumbled into the second series after that, before being axed.

The Vines, Party Review, 2003

Just a week after the Fame Academy concert, we gave a third zero-star review, as a then hot Australian rock band took to the Astoria Theater in London.

What we said David Peschick wrote:[Singer Craig] Nichols is depicted as a tormented lightning rod for a generation’s pain, so sprawling on the floor and screaming into the microphone almost constantly. But this is not pain, it is a simulation of pain that offers no profound arousal, insight, poetry, or catharsis. “It’s like watching a tantrum.”

Was that justified? The band has released six more albums since their debut in 2002, none of which have captured the public’s imagination as they did in the early 2000s.

A country album by a duo featuring singer Big Kenny and bassist Lonestar, featuring songs like Kick My Ass and Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy). The only album to be given zero stars by The Guardian.

What we said “Like the Bush twins at the MTV Awards, this is hardline conservatism in a half-hearted search for cool,” wrote David Peschick (again). “Big? Almost certainly, and therefore, very likely, also rich. And by no means smart.”

Was that justified? Big and Rich won a Billboard Music Award in the same year as this review. They have since been nominated for three Grammy Awards and 17 Academy of Country Music Awards.

A concert by the British artist who won the Turner Prize three years ago.

What we said Alexis Petridis (again) wrote: “This show is only provocative in that it feels less like a party and more like an experiment to see how a man can appear charming and pleased with himself before the audience storms the stage and physically attacks him.”

Was that justified? In 2017, Lynn Gardner reviewed a Creed concert for The Guardian. She gave it four stars and called it “endearing, scandalous, titillating and utterly unpretentious to the point of being hard to resist.”

One week later, and equaling the record set the previous year, came a zero-star review for a play written by former Radio 1 DJ Mike Reed.

What we said Elizabeth Mahoney wrote: “The radio microphones, especially the microphone of Peter Blake as Oscar, produce only a terribly patchy sound. We hear cast members talking offstage. We endure duets where one singer is at full volume, while the other has no speaker at all. As this bleak evening continues, you begin to wonder whether the sound system is affected by the shrill roar of Oscar Wilde turning over in his grave.”

Was that justified? Oscar Wilde then closed his first show. This makes it much less successful than Cliff, Read, the 2003 musical about Cliff Richard, which ran for a full three months.

The following year, The Guardian reviewed a live-action version of the first series of ITV talent show The X Factor.

What we said “There are few experiences in cultural life that can shake one’s faith in the basic good of humanity,” Helen Bede wrote, “but sitting among 10,000 free-willed citizens who have paid £23.50 to watch blood-draining, pulse-stopping karaoke almost does.”

Was that justified? The X Factor’s television audience would rise to a peak of 19.4 million viewers by 2010, before shrinking until it was axed in 2018.

After a three-year absence, comes a Spanish-language retelling of J.M. Barrie’s beloved book, with an English translation.

What we said “The show’s publicity proudly states that one million Spaniards have watched this show, which proves that there is no counting the statistics,” Lynn Gardner wrote.

Was that justified? The musical ran in the United Kingdom for 36 performances. None of the British reviews were particularly kind.

After a two-year gap, came the 1981 revival of Renee Taylor and Joe Bologna’s romantic comedy.

What we said Len Gardner writes (again): “I have no talent,” Vito screams as he considers giving up his career and becoming a full-time writer. This obviously wouldn’t stop him or the deceived Thedas, and it clearly didn’t stop the writers of this painfully contrived piece from granting wishes.

Was that justified? The play is still performed around the world today, although reviews tend to be mixed.

Falke 2, Technology Review, 2014

Four years later, it was a first: the Guardian’s only technology review, of a device that claimed to treat seasonal affective disorder by shining light into the ear canals.

What we said “None of the peer-reviewed studies included in Valcke’s Scientific Abstract appear to have been conducted without a conflict of interest with the company that produces the light headphones, as there is at least one of Valcke’s founders on each of the research teams,” Samuel Gibbs wrote.

Was that justified? Valkee filed for bankruptcy in 2021.

Nearly a decade and a half after Peter Bradshaw gave the film zero stars, a second contender enters: an American horror comedy directed by Jim Hosking.

What we said Wendy Eade wrote for the Observer: “This trivial horror comedy manages to cram in every disgusting and perverted activity you couldn’t begin to imagine. And yet, it’s still rather dull.”

Was that justified? Jordan Hoffman also reviewed The Greasy Strangler in this newspaper, calling it “a brutal, relentless film… full of morbid cellulite, disgusting food and rubber penises.” He gave it four stars.

The seventh season of the ITV reality show, and the second to be broadcast following the death of original presenter Caroline Flack.

What we said “I hate myself as much as I love Faye, Kaz and Hugo and I love them as much as I hate the rest of them and their stench,” Lucy Mangan wrote.

Was that justified? Love Island is still airing despite attracting half the audience it did in 2021.

Netflix’s celebration of sexual health and positivity, hosted by rapper Saweetie and featuring Romesh Ranganathan, Katherine Ryan and some puppets.

What we said Lucy Mangan wrote (again): “Saweetie, especially for someone used to performing… is uncomfortable, self-conscious, and with a relentlessly flat birth – it’s just downright painful. Maybe she’d be better off without the sex-positive dolls?”

Was that justified? Gender: Unzipped has a 60% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It has not been renewed.

The UK-based subsidiary of Netflix’s Selling Sunset, following a group of premium British estate agents.

What we said Rebecca Nicholson wrote: “I hate that he makes Richard Curtis’s Notting Hill look like a gritty documentary about the seedy streets of London. I hate his ‘England vs. idiots’ farce that is so obviously played on the international market. I hate his veneration of billionaires and bad taste, his name-dropping of celebrities without actual celebrities, even the drone footage that appears to have been filmed by the Red Arrows.”

Was that justified? Buying London has a rating of 14% on Rotten Tomatoes. It has not been renewed.